Where is God?

It has been four weeks since my wife, Amy Caveny, died on October 8, 2020 after contracting Covid 19. Most days I trudge along in a fog, struggling to focus on day to day details. Every single thing in the house reminds me of her and that she is no longer here. She will never be here again.

Not only do I miss Amy every moment of every day, her death has shaken my faith in God. I hold that God is sovereign and that he either causes things to happen in this world or allows them to take place – either way God is in control. Neither of those options feel especially loving during this time of inexplicable grief. God seems far away.

But during this horrible time people have overwhelmed me with kindness. A dear friend cried with me in the parking lot outside the emergency department at Alleghany Memorial as staff did their best to save Amy’s life. Within minutes of her death, two elders and their wives from our church sat with me on my front porch as I tried to imagine a life without Amy. Chris Durgin built a beautiful box from cherry wood that came from logs I cut from Amy’s grandmother’s homeplace. Danny Linker sawed those logs into lumber last winter. We buried Amy’s cremated remains in that box.

My coworkers from Wilkes Community College have kept me well fed and friends have taken me out for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I have discovered that these offerings of food go beyond physical nourishment and are a covert way of attending to my emotional needs for connection. Days after Amy’s memorial service a friend stopped by with an apple pie. As he was leaving he asked if there was anything else he could do. I told him that I had funeral flowers in the basement that were dying and that I couldn’t walk through them anymore. I told him I could load them on my truck and drive them to the transfer station, but that I couldn’t imagine throwing them onto the trash heap. He raise his hand to stop me and simply said, “I’ll take care of it” and he did. Such simple yet precious gifts.

I have come to treasure those that stop me when I’m out to offer their condolences. They usually suggest that they don’t know what to say and settle on some version of “I’m sorry.” I have discovered that those two words carry much weight to those of us who are hurting.

As I reflect on these past weeks, I realize that God isn’t far away. God has been sending expressions of love to me every day. When I confessed through tears that I didn’t know if I could bury Amy my family said, “We’ll help you.” When I felt as though I would be consumed in a cavernous emptiness, someone showed up at my door and said, “I just had to lay eyes on you.” I requested memorials be made to the Alleghany Pregnancy Care Center, a ministry Amy loved and supported, and people have responded with over $3600 in donations in her name. Other gifts have been given to the Solid Rock Food Closet and Ebenezer Christian Children’s Home. These expressions of love would surely put a smile on Amy’s face. They have to mine.

I now see God in a different light. When I thought I couldn’t see His face, He showed up by placing a friend in the aisle with me at the grocery store that just nods a hello. He speaks through a clerk at the convenience store who says, “I’m sorry about your wife.” He pops up in a late night text from a friend who writes, “Just checking in.” 

 As I have ached with grief, I have experienced and witnessed the love of a sovereign God at work through my family, friends and neighbors. God is closer that I imagined.

My Eulogy for Amy Caveny

 

As I have thought about what I would like to say today, I realized that Amy was a complex dichotomy of contradictions. Depending who you are and your relationship with her, you likely only saw a sliver of who she truly was so some of these things I share may surprise you.

Amy had a wonderful sense of humor that often got her into trouble. She loved to embarrass me, especially when we were in public. Once when she was in pre-op for outpatient surgery I was helping her change. We were separated from the nurses’ station a few feet away by a thin curtain. In a loud voice she said, “No Dale, I will not have sex with you on this hospital bed.” If that embarrasses you imagine how I felt hearing the nurses laughing as I opened the curtain. A favorite story is of her driving up behind Bob Alexander on his tractor out on the Parkway.  She came close behind him and laid down on the horn. Bob glanced over his shoulder and she hit the horn again. Bob waved her around and instead of passing she once again hit the horn. He pulled over and she pulled alongside and rolled down the window. “Hello Bob,” she offered with a big smile. Though Bob laughed about it later, but in that moment Amy realized that she may have pushed him a little too far.

In contrast to this playful side, Amy had an intensity that could be intimidating. She could narrowly focus on a task and not let up until it was completed. She described it as being “like a dog on a bone.” That intensity carried over to her craft projects. Last fall she spent many nights in the basement making Christmas stockings to give away as gifts.  As she gave them away, people began requesting special orders and designs and offered to pay her for them. But instead of accepting payment, she gave them the address of the pregnancy center and asked them to make a donation there. Then, this spring as Covid was intensifying, she did her part to stifle its spread by returning to the basement, making scores of beautiful masks which she gave to friends and family to help protect them from the virus.  The mask I wear today is one she made special for me. There was a generous, giving side to Amy that few people ever saw.

Amy loved her family. She always said that whatever went wrong in the world she knew she could count on her family for support. She invested in those relationships and loved each one you deeply and unconditionally. You have been very kind to me and especially supportive in this difficult time. I appreciate it more than you can imagine.

Amy loved Brett and Taylor with a fierce devotion. She had high expectations for them and pushed them a bit hard at times. But she knew life can be tough and that truly loving them meant getting them ready for the challenges of this world. Brett and Taylor, your mom often talked of how proud she was of the man and woman you have become. She melted every time you called her Mommy.

Amy made me a better person. She encouraged me to stretch myself beyond my self-perceived limits. We were better together than we were as individuals. She kept me balanced and I hope I did the same for her. We often had long meaty conversations during which we challenged each other’s perspective.  I loved those conversations. She loved me in spite of my many faults and I adored her.

I have been touched by the overwhelming outpouring of support from family and friends.  Many have asked the question we always seem to ask during these circumstances - “Is there anything I can do for you?” I’ve struggled to answer that question but yesterday a couple of things became clearer to me.

I ask that you honor Amy by wearing a mask, practicing social distancing and stop complaining about a loss of individual freedoms. Amy knew her underlying conditions put her at a higher risk if she contracted the virus and was terrified at the thought of getting sick. There are many, many people who have similar conditions and I implore you, I beg you, to be socially conscious – to be good neighbors. If you begin to question whether all this is necessary, I hope you will remember one of the last things Amy said to me as she shivered with chills on the way to the hospital– In a very weak voice she whispered, “Am I going to die?” Please wear a mask.

Second, I hope you will honor Amy by living out your faith. She was frustrated that we as Christians have allowed our faith to become politicalized and have come to believe that the solution to spiritual issues is found in the ballot box. She was tired of the empty ramblings of the religious, the modern Pharisees, and longed to see the church boldly exhibiting the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. She would ask that you, my brothers and sisters of the faith community, support the Alleghany Pregnancy Care Center, the Solid Rock Food Closet, Grace Kitchen, Ebenezer’s Christian Children’s Home and a host of other ministries serving our community in the name of Jesus. She would plead that you, as individuals, be salt and light in a dark, dark world.

Finally you can honor Amy by living life fully. Amy encouraged me, and I will encourage you, to not just live the length of life but to allow yourself to experience the depth and breadth of all life has to offer. There were so many things we talked about doing some day, and now we will never get to experience those things together. This has been a difficult year for our family. Amy and I have talked many times about how the losses and challenges we have faced remind us that every day each interaction with someone has the potential to be a last time event. Amy’s death has reinforced that realization. She would want me to remind you that James tells us in scripture that “You do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.” Make the most of this vaporous life.

So if you were wondering, those are the things you can do for me and Amy. While her physical body may vanish, the impact of her life will live on through us. I am forever changed because of my relationship Amy.  Thank you all for being here. I love each one of you.

Donna Shumate for District Court Judge

I am proud to lend my voice in support of Donna Shumate in her quest to become District Court judge for Alleghany, Ashe, Wilkes and Yadkin counties.

In 1998, I was promoted to sergeant with the North Carolina Wildlife Resources Commission.  One of my areas of supervision was Alleghany County.  Within a couple of months I found myself in district court presenting cases for wildlife violations.  It was in the courtroom in Sparta where I first encountered Donna Shumate.

For those unaccustomed with the courtroom experience, it can seem chaotic and adversarial. In all fairness, both of those descriptions are accurate at times.  However, there are individuals in the courtroom who bring a sense of order to the proceedings and work to bring a resolution to cases that are fair to all parties involved.  Donna was one of those people and it is a role she continues to fill.

While a sense of fairness and impartiality are crucial for a district court judge, a firm grasp of the law and its application are vital.  Building on a law degree from Campbell University, Donna has spent 26 years handling criminal cases ranging from speeding tickets to capital murder cases.  She has handled countless child custody cases, all manners of civil disputes and juvenile cases.  In a one notable case some years ago, Donna assisted a father who was a citizen of Mexico, living in Mexico, reunite with his three children. This case drew international attention because of the complex entanglements of family and immigration law.  Donna was interviewed by the Los Angles Times and Washington Post concerning this case, and spoke at American Bar Association Family Law Convention in Washington, D.C. in 2013 on the topic “When Immigration and Family Law Collide.”

Perhaps equally important to the professional qualifications, Donna and her husband, Chris Walker, are active members of our community. They are ardent supporters of Hunters Helping Kids, an organization that helps get kids outside and introduced to hunting. They are also members of the National Wild Turkey Federation.  Donna often plays the piano during worship services at Peak Creek Church of the Brethren where she also teaches Sunday School and works with the youth of the church.

Donna Shumate’s campaign theme is, “Experience Matters.”  For a district court judge a broad foundation of professional experience, community engagement and a strong moral compass are crucial.  Not only does “Experience Matter”, Donna has the type of experience that matters most.

Please join me in voting for Donna Shumate on March 3^rd.