I think we have a plan

nationalgeographic.com

Yesterday was my fifth squirrelless squirrel hunt this season.  I could blame it on an abundance of acorns that reduce their movement.  I could probably even dump it off on an immature squirrel dog that is fascinated with all the different scents in the woods.  Heck, part of it may be the extra 15 pounds I’ve laid on that makes those high ridges less appealing.  But, there is more to it than that.

I haven’t even seen a squirrel.  I mean not crossing the road, not scurrying through the woods – nothing.  It is like they have vanished – raptured.  So, like any hunter, I began to ponder who I can blame.  

The problem could be poachers.  My friend, Randy Doman in Missouri, shared this Facebook photo of an incident in Missouri where four guys killed 100 squirrels in one outing.  The only trouble with that theory is I haven’t seen one squirrel much less 100.

Missouri Department of Conservation

I could lay it off on the wildlife commission.  Seriously, what have they done for us squirrel hunters.  When was the last time we had a squirrel management plan?  How about a squirrel biologist?  While I caught my breath for the umpteenth time yesterday, I began to formulate a plan to get the commission’s attention.  We need a squirrel hunters association.  And I figured the bear hunters have already come up with a pretty good plan so it seems reasonable to copy their playbook.

First, we (us squirrel hunters) have to get our minds right.  We have to be focused.  I encourage each of you who strives to be a member of our group to start the day with a little motivational self-talk. 

“I am a squirrel hunter.  I am the ultimate woodsman.  All other hunters stand coldly in my long shadow.  I am the lord of the woods”

Next, we have to speak the same language.  Bear hunters claim their ample use of feed has led to an increase in the bear population.  Note: we never make reference to “bait.”  Bait is illegal and bad.  If we want to see our squirrel population bounce back, we need to put out “feed.”  And when we are around biologists, let’s be sure to refer to the practice as “supplemental feeding.”  That is something they would teach in wildlife management at state college.  It makes us sound like we are in partnership with the commission.  Once we get the concept of “supplemental feeding” ingrained, we will get the law changed so that still hunters can’t hunt around feeders, but we will be able to turn loose on one.  The perfect plan – more squirrels and they are all ours.

Excellent example of supplemental feeding
bestturkeybait.com

We need to define what we consider “hunting for squirrels.”  We are talking ethical practices here.  I will confess to bushwacking squirrels in my younger days – I didn’t really know any better – young and dumb.  But we all know that real squirrel hunting involves dogs.  I have friends that still hunt and I guess there is some measure of sport to sitting under a hickory tree and waiting for an unsuspecting squirrel to show up.  But, dogs make it sporting – it gives the squirrel a chance.  Most people think we kill everyone we tree, but some get in a hole and some are just hard to see.  Plus, I propose that we commit to letting all the young squirrels walk.  Me personally, I just want to tree big, boar squirrels.  Before we leave the topic of still hunting, what I don’t understand at all is “incidental” hunting – those folks that kill one critter when they are really hunting another.  Makes no sense.  That is exactly the kind of practices that hurt the squirrel population.

We need standardized lines to use when certain situations arise.  For dogs that wander across a property line – an old favorite that still works:

“My dog can’t read.”

Who can argue with that logic?   You may still have to use some persuasion to get permission to get your dogs.  It works best to send your grubbest hunting partner, especially if he looks like Bobby from Sons of Anarchy, in the biggest 4x4 you can find – the muddier the better.  Who can say “no” to Bobby?  If they do say no, we will ride back and forth by their house to let them know how displeased we are with their decision.

Designated dog retriever

If caught hunting during the closed season:

            “It cost money to keep dogs.  The season ain’t long enough.”

This one is a bit problematic because of the length of the squirrel season.  If that is pointed out, follow with:

“Everybody is against a squirrel hunter.  First it’s squirrel hunting -  next they will be coming for our guns.”

And if that still isn’t getting traction make reference to the Constitution – just saying “Constitution” makes us sound legal.

No matter how much you like to roll a bushy-tail from the top of white oak, we have to remember to say with great sincerity:

“It’s all about the kids.  I would rather see a kid kill a squirrel over my dogs than me kill one.”

Note: you can substitute women, old people, veterans or handicapped hunters for kids.  Any of them makes us sound less selfish and more righteous.  If you can master the “voice crack” when uttering those lines, we will be golden.

We need to consider finding a high profile shyster lawyer in case any of us strays across the legal boundary (okay – you’re right – when we stray – remember our dogs can’t read).  Maybe we can find one that loves to be on TV and plays well to the “us against them” group.  He will cost us plenty, but we will just have to pretend he is worth it.  Maybe he will let us give him our property after we run out of money.

I’m really starting to feel good about our association.  Even if it doesn’t bring back the squirrels it will be fun to see who we can stir up.

            “I am lord of the woods.”

  I like it.